21 September 2021
We left for Kaapsehoop early yesterday morning. Hidden deep within nature is a secluded cave, an especially sacred space perfect for these kinds of experiences. It is breathtakingly beautiful, a space where the Earth feels alive, humming with ancient wisdom. I was prepared, and despite not knowing what to expect, I felt an overwhelming sense of calm. The journey began with a steam, sweat, and herbal cleansing, grounding me in the present. Then my guide handed me 2g of mushrooms, with another herb to heighten certain senses.
Becoming Sound, Becoming Energy
How does one explain an experience where everything happens at once?
The first shift came with sound. It was as if I was hearing the world through an amplifier—every vibration magnified, every frequency part of me. Sitting in the sand, I felt like I became the sound itself, like a giant singing bowl resonating through my being. Then, suddenly, I was gone.
I came back wide awake, my guide still nearby. He had left me alone but was always watching over me. As I sat in silence, I felt my body deflating, my energy expanding, lifting out of me. I left. I don’t know where I went, but I felt when I returned. Disoriented, I opened my eyes, and before I could call for him, my guide was already there. He later told me he could see when someone’s energy body leaves because their face changes.
He ensured I was okay, then left me to my experience once more. I drifted between states, hearing birds, feeling sensations I couldn’t describe. Time no longer mattered. When coldness crept in, I looked up, and there he was again, ready to guide me into the sun. It amazed me how attuned he was, sensing every shift in my journey. In that moment, he was not just my guide but a father figure, a safe place.
The Breaking Open
I stepped outside, settling into a space filled with ferns and golden sunlight. The moment my feet connected with the Earth, something broke open inside me.
I cried.
Not just tears, but lifetimes of sorrow. My own pain. The Earth’s pain. The pain of others. It poured out of me in sobs so deep they felt ancient. I cried until it felt like I had died, my breath stopping momentarily before gasping back into existence—breathing in the ground, the leaves, the tiny life forms around me.
And then, the birds. Their song wove through my consciousness, pulling me into their world, their rhythm, their harmony. I felt lost — disconnected from everything we are supposed to be. But then, I saw.
One With Nature, One With Everything
My body no longer felt like mine. I looked up to see a moss-covered branch with a twisting vine, and instinctively, I crawled closer, feeling an inexplicable urge to rest there. I nestled into the earth, covering myself with leaves, feeling the vines embrace me. In that moment, I became nature. A tiny vine, delicate yet alive, reached toward me. As I stretched my hand out, it caressed my fingertips, one by one. The sun broke through the canopy above, illuminating this sacred moment of connection.
I felt peace unlike anything before. Warmth, rest, a deep knowing. Maybe I slept. Maybe I didn’t. But as I lay there, I felt in complete control—because I was everything. A single motion of my hand, and the birds would sing. Another, and the wind would shift. I orchestrated nature because I was nature.
The Cycles of Experience
Then, I saw.
Trees came alive, whispering in languages beyond words. A little jumping spider appeared, watching me curiously. My body felt small, insignificant, yet I was everything. Panic surged briefly—where was I? Who was I? I wanted to call out to my guide, but then, beside me, my fingers found his massive tourmaline stone. Holding onto it, I felt the grounding energy vibrate through me, pulling me between realms.
Pain, darkness, cold.
Warmth, awareness, vision.
I spoke to the trees. And suddenly—everything was hilarious.
A leaf. A “blaar”. I fixated on it. What even was a leaf? Then, a stick—just a stick—and yet, it was the funniest thing I had ever seen. The trees laughed with me, the universe giggling through their branches.
I drifted again.
I became everything.
I became nothing.
I was small.
I was vast.
I was dead.
I was infinite.
I heard a little voice, a childlike whisper — “Ek is klein, ek is groot, ek is dood…” (I am small, I am big, I am dead…), over and over, never-ending. Memories from childhood surfaced—those moments of connection with the unseen, with the spirits of plants, with something greater. I think I even spoke to a fairy queen.
The Return
Hours passed in a blink.
I suddenly knew I was back. My guide appeared once more, walking toward me, as if he had been waiting for this exact moment. I realized I had been alone most of the time, left to navigate the vastness of my experience. I was still drifting, processing, existing in multiple states at once. We spoke, and it was all so absurdly funny. Everything and nothing made sense all at once. I felt nourished, connected, restored, and yet—what had just happened?
I don’t know. But I know.
This journey was about healing. About remembering.
Reconnecting with Mother Earth, with myself, with the oneness of all things. Something within me shifted. Everything feels different now. I know things I cannot explain in words. And yet—I am still me.
We eventually packed up and returned, sitting in the sun, quietly trying to make sense of the experience. But maybe, it wasn’t meant to be “understood” at all.
Maybe, it was meant to be felt.
Because I know nothing…
And yet, I know everything.
