14 June 2025
(Continued from Part 1)
I have often seen or entered a place (with and without psychedelics or medicines) I can only describe as the heart of Gaia, the source of creation, the sacred mother space. I will often see or feel the intense pain and longing of Mama Gaia, the pain of the destruction of living creatures and things, the longing for us to return to her, the creation of everything beautiful and perfect. I have often felt however that I am unable to be fully there, the space around me or in me is too small, too far disconnected or too clouded by…something. Sometimes it has felt too ancient and even though I know I am an ancient soul, it felt like I needed a different connection, space, time or understanding, to fully go into this space and comprehend it. I have often felt that I need to go further, become ‘bigger’, as if I have never been able to fully access all of me, to become all of me, to perceive all of who I am. Every time it felt like I am at that point, I didn’t have enough ‘space’ and I felt unable to expand to the level I know I want to reach.
None of this was necessarily my intention, hope or expectation, going into the experience I had on Saturday, but it was all there, subconsciously. Going into the rainforest, even though it was still not the exact part that I longed to be in which is supposedly the oldest rainforest in the world, I knew that this was another divinely orchestrated opportunity! I knew that if I took this psychedelic, I would more than likely be pushed beyond…I would have an experience that would change everything, and I had to do it alone. This was a new place, physically and spiritually – new energies, beings and information waiting to be discovered. I was outside my usual comfort zone, I was far away from everyone I know, all my guides and friends. There would be no one to hold space for me, to tell me everything would be ok, to bring me back, to look after me. I knew that the new friends I had made would make sure that physically I was safe, but they have no real understanding of the places I may go, the things I may experience and they would not be able to offer anything more than comfort.
But I knew. This was not negotiable. This experience was another one of those ‘unavoidable’ ones. So late on Saturday afternoon, after we had settled and familiarized ourselves with the surroundings, I sat down, said my usual ‘prayer’ before I swallowed the little piece of paper and then I waited. Music was playing through the portable speaker, and I was trying to not melt in the extreme heat and humidity. There was only a basic house, no AC or fan and nowhere to go to escape the overwhelming heat. As I am always more comfortable as close as possible to nature, I ventured outside, also in the hope that maybe there will be a bit of a breeze blowing to help cool me down. But it was completely silent outside apart from birds chirping in the trees around us. I sat down on the grass. We were on a smallish mountain overlooking the forest and hills around us. It was truly beautiful. I had never seen forests like these. As I sat there silently breathing it all in, the psychedelic started taking effect.
The greenery around me intensified and everything was glowing. I could feel my body starting to grow heavier and knew I had to lie down, in the grass. Grounding like this until you have adjusted to the new frequency you find yourself in is often necessary (for me anyway). I lay down in the grass, sweat running down my face and neck. I wasn’t moving but it didn’t help the heat. For a moment I became very uncomfortable in my own body. Nothing felt right, I was irritated, hot, sweaty and I felt like I needed to shed my own skin. That of course is not possible, and I tried to concentrate on breathing deeply. All sorts of uncomfortable feelings started surfacing from deep within me. Weird, obscure images took shape from deep within my mind and floated through my being. I realized that these were my feelings toward myself, as well as negative things that have been said about me. Thoughts of self-hatred and feeling ugly twisted their way through my physical being. I tried to simply observe them, acknowledge them and then release them out into the vast space around me.
I lay there for a few more minutes before my friend came to check if I was ok. I assured him that I was and decided I needed to try and move a bit. Sometimes movement is good, rather than going too deep inward and falling into a miserable state of being. So, I got up, shakily, and took a few steps. I quickly realized that my physical body was not capable of much movement. For a moment I felt better though, and we stood chatting about random things. I was very aware of the forest around me, the trees and all the living things. The music was suddenly overpowering, grating on my nervous system. We had to change it to something calmer, quieter. I selected Found in Love, by Jackson Lewis. This has been one of my favorite tracks for a few years, ever since it was played during my very first plant medicine healing session where I had a profoundly beautiful experience. Since then, I have often used it during sessions or ceremonies, as well as simply listening to it because it is a beautiful piece of music – it is a prayer for humanity, the earth, seas, forests and all beings. By now the psychedelic was making my whole body feel completely dissolved, numb, nonexistent. I had to sit down. My friend was next to me making a joke which in that moment really annoyed me. I was moving into a sacred state of being, I was soaking in my incredibly beautiful surroundings, connected with nature and all I wanted was to sit there in silence.
I took a few steps down the gravel road and came to a stop where one of the little dogs was sitting, quietly staring into space. I wondered what he was looking at and sat down next to him. He looked at me with a knowing, an invitation to just sit there, in that moment, in a comfortable silence. I closed my eyes and at the same moment, the music changed, and the prayer part of the song started from the beginning.
“For the land I pray, from the high mountain streams to the shorelines. To the sea and the sand, return again. For the oceans we pray, to rise with the wind and rain…”
I was breathing deep, full belly breaths and felt myself rise, expanding into the frequency carried by this powerful song. The voice of the artist grew louder until it sounded like a tribe chanting the words around me. I couldn’t see with my physical eyes any longer, but my spirit was wide open and fully connected to everything around me. As I breathed, I felt myself branching out, like a river flowing out into all directions around me, flowing into the surroundings and beyond, all over the whole world. As I was flowing out into everything around me, breathing in, I saw everything flow back to me as well. I felt the energy of Mama Gaia, of Source, of the very beginning of all creation, flowing up, up, into my being. From the most ancient corners of the cosmos, the stars, wind, trees, living beings, waters – everything was a part of me. I felt myself sitting on the top of the world, with vast spaces around me, looking down and absorbing everything that lives, everything that is alive and beautiful. As this was happening, I suddenly had a profound realization that I finally had SPACE!! The space to go where my soul has been LONGING to go, the space to breathe EVERYTHING in, the space to expand, the space to fully go back into places so ancient that there are no words to describe it, the space for it all to come back to me, fully into me, to BECOME; fully… The second that realization hit, tears started streaming down my face. I finally had SPACE!!!
Physically, I had the space I needed. Here between the giant ancient trees, mountains and valleys, but suddenly I saw further than that. I saw farther than I have ever been able to before. I felt myself falling, a familiar feeling I have had before. Falling into a place so far beyond everything, that every time this happened before, I was terrified to go there and forcefully willed myself back out before I could be lost forever… It was an unknown place, a place of more, a place of remembrance…it was MY OWN HEART…!!! This place had terrified me before and the longing I had had to be able to push past all boundaries, to expand fully, wasn’t enough. No other plants or substances have been able to help me push past these boundaries, past the fear. I realized I was still falling, and as I was falling, the landscape around me changed into the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. It was nature, all of nature, but not as we see nature with our physical eyes. It was all of creation in its original form. The sheer beauty, the extremely high vibration, the perfection of the colors, the feeling of absolute bliss, happiness like I have never experienced before, grew until I was completely overwhelmed.
“Found in love…”
The music was all around me, it was me, in me, before me, after me. The love I experienced in that moment was so overwhelming that I could only sob… Then I recognized my own Source space. I had been here before, for brief moments and it is an incredible feeling. The zero point, the point of complete neutrality but also complete perfection of everything. The feeling grew though, and I could still see how the ancient energies were moving in and out through me, as well as new energies, within my own heart, through me, but far beyond. I was Source. The source of all creation, the place of complete stillness and of everything moving and living at the same time. I could see how by being in this space, with the immense energies moving at that time, the immense overwhelming love, the earth around me received healing. As much as I was giving out, I was receiving back, and it was an exchange of such magnitude that my brain cannot make sense of it.
The realization that I had finally done it, finally expanded and pushed beyond the constraints I had always experienced before, past the terrible fear; the understanding that I had finally seen my own heart…this feeling overwhelmed me completely. I was speechless, in awe. The most incredible space I had ever been in, ever experienced…and it was my own heart??? Stunned, I just sat there. I wasn’t fully ‘human’ in that moment, but I was fully aware of who I am in my entirety at the same time. My body was still sitting in the same place, but my energy body was expanded so far that I had no comprehension of my human existence right then and yet, I was just me…
A moment later my friends appeared, asking if I was ok. I was barely able to open my eyes or speak, my limbs would not move, and I was still not really present in my body, but I managed to assure them that all was ok. They understood and allowed me the space I needed to just be with myself. I had to move my body though and slowly stood up. It was an autopilot move, my body knowing what to do even though the rest of me followed in slow motion, in waves of energy not ready to be placed back into its physical container. I couldn’t walk more than a few steps though and sat back down, overlooking the forest once more. I closed my eyes again, as having them open hurt – it was too much to process at once, seeing in so many layers.
Immediately I was back in the same space, that incredibly beautiful source space. But it felt different. I concentrated on what I was feeling, and I sensed a heart beating. As I focused on this heartbeat I saw the physical forests around me, but I was completely immersed in its energy. It was one giant, live being. It moved, flowed, and spoke to me in whispers. Ancient language flowed through my being as I realized that I am inside a heart…a heart space, the heart of Malaysia! The realization made me giggle…of course I was!! Where else would I be right now? How else would the universe, no I !!, have orchestrated this experience?? Of course I was in the heart of this country… And then, it expanded beyond. I felt like this was deeper than just Malaysia, I was in the heart of the Earth itself. A place so sacred that being allowed there felt impossible. I felt someone next to me and blinked. “You guys live right in the heart of Malaysia, don’t you?” I asked. “Yup”, he said, “smack bang in the middle.” I smiled. Yes…I know… I vaguely heard the music in the background… The same prayer still playing, or was it playing again…?
My thoughts cleared for a moment as I opened my eyes. The same prayer started playing for the third time, the same voice speaking of pure consciousness, praying for humanity and the earth… What in the…?? I knew this song inside out and there definitely isn’t this kind of repetition. Then I realized what was happening and I laughed. I was in a ‘time loop.’ Time was ‘broken’; I was sitting outside of our human understanding of time and the order of things. I laughed out loud. What a loop to be stuck in!! A loop of experiencing my own heart, Source, the ancient sacred places, surrounded and enveloped in a love so all encompassing that words could never really describe it… Tears were still streaming down my face. Then a voice appeared in front of me.
A friend was checking in on me again. I blinked and tried to see with my human eyes. The two guys were standing there asking me if I wanted to go see the animals. I could barely walk, but I knew it was time to get up. I was still in between dimensions, in between floating in the multiverse and trying to ground myself back into my body. As we walked down the path to the chicken coops, the guys were chattering away telling me about the Spanish and Dutch chickens…this sounded so absurd and hilarious that I only laughed. I couldn’t focus clearly or take in much, so I just auto piloted and followed them. Down the road I had to stop and gasp… We were more inside the forest now and the incredible beauty once again overwhelmed me. The sun was setting now, and the glowing green was bathed in a halo of golden sunlight. Birds were singing loudly, and the trees were dancing. I didn’t want to move. Like someone lost in puppy love, I sat down. I was completely captured by the beauty around me. I told the guys to go ahead and just leave me there for a moment.
I was more present in my own body by now, but the after effect of everything I had experienced was racing through my nervous system, my cells, my memory. I lay there, just enjoying the energy of this ancient, sacred place, not able to think of anything else. Simply being, completely at peace with myself and the world around me. I felt light. Lighter than ever before. There was a stillness inside me that I have never known. The frustration of needing to go somewhere, of feeling called but I don’t know where, the feeling that I wasn’t able to expand or fully be ALL of who I am…all of it was silent. I had become. Become ME. I had gone the furthest anyone could go…I had gone so far that I found myself right back within myself… What a concept to comprehend! We are always looking for answers, guides, beings, places, things outside of ourselves. And sure, those exist and there is a place and a time to interact with them and be guided by them. But that is not the goal, that is not the purpose of this existence. The purpose is to remember WHO WE ARE…and then, to fully embody and live out our true blueprint and purpose. Everything else will happen because of that.
Eventually it was time to head home. Darkness was setting in and nighttime bugs swarming around us. I was still hazy, still lost in my experience, but I knew that this was it. I knew that I had received everything I came for and that there would be no more psychedelic experiences tonight. As we walked up the hill exhaustion set in. My body could barely move. I was sweaty, and deadly tired, but so at peace that I didn’t even mind. It was time to take a shower, put some food in my body and rest. It was time to integrate. Time to enjoy this new version of me and the knowing that I had passed my initiation. I am ready. I am ready to share this beautiful state of being with those ready to remember as well…
